


That was the Beginning

by Scifiroots



Category: Xenosaga
Genre: Episode Tag, F/F, Implied Relationships, POV First Person, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-27
Updated: 2012-06-27
Packaged: 2017-11-08 17:17:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/445590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifiroots/pseuds/Scifiroots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A post-game (Game Ep. I, I haven't played the second one yet) Shion reflection about the project and KOS-MOS herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That was the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a lyric quote from the game’s soundtrack, “Kokoro (The Words I Feel).”  
> Notes: A fem-slashy Shion POV written for (yet again) indeliblefancy’s “unrequited love” request.

\--- 

 

I’ll never forget that night in the lab. I struggled for weeks trying to decide how to proceed in the aftermath of such destruction; eventually I decided to follow the voice in the back of my mind urging for the continuation of the KOS-MOS project. 

 

It was the right decision. That project became my world, my reason to breathe, from the very moment our work began. Kevin headed the team in the beginning... before that night. He noticed how entranced I had become with the project—he understood me better than anyone else has—and he brought me ever deeper into the details of the work. I became thoroughly entrenched in the project as I renewed the work in the wake of his death. I had convinced myself that a major reason for my decision had been the thought that Kevin would be remembered for his efforts on the KOS-MOS project if I could make it successful; after a while I realized that what was driving me on was my personal obsession with the project and my inability to accept defeat. I felt ashamed at the time and made myself look closer at the other members of my team so that I wouldn’t be so isolated.

 

By the time we began running simulations I no longer at lunch on my own and even allowed myself to take a few hours off now and then to “hang out” with the others. I was nervous about what kind of personality KOS-MOS would have—for all the work and control we had in her development, it was not entirely up to us how she would... “turn out.” The simulations became the highlight of my work and I always look forward to the next time I could go in and speak with KOS-MOS. There was so much she didn’t know, in many ways she seemed like a child despite all her power and technology. I began to wonder what was her capacity to learn about things we hadn’t thought to provide already? I was curious if she could _learn_ emotions, sensations.

 

She and I shared a bond, somehow, even before her unscheduled activation; I don’t know if there’s some sort of programming that Kevin never told me about or if it is somehow a result of our interaction through the numerous simulations. She meant more to me every passing moment, after each battle we fought, every time she paused and wore that expression that meant she was trying to access her databanks for some reference to understand the humans around her... 

 

She became more than an obsession or a project, so much more than the complicated technology of an android. I fell in love with her, I don’t know when or if that detail even matters. I sometimes wonder if even Kevin would understand me now; I’m sure that no one else possibly could—just how does one fall in love with a being who seems to lack so much of the human essence that makes us “alive”? I’m not sure I can explain it, and to that I can only say that is the way of love, inexplicable. 

 

I know on some level that this is hopeless, KOS-MOS isn’t very likely to ever understand love let alone be able to feel it herself, but I cannot rid myself of the glimmer of hope echoed by the same voice that once told me to continue the project despite Kevin’s death. I can’t ignore it.

 


End file.
